To My Dear Son, When My Love Isn’t Enough

My sweet baby, oh how I love you. From the very moment they laid you on my chest, and you let out your innocent little cry, my heart expanded immensely. It was pure bliss in that hospital room for two days, getting to know each other and finding our routine. I never let you out of my sight and although sleep quickly became a thing of the past, I couldn’t imagine anything better. How perfect and problem-free life had become!

Shortly after we got home, though, it became quite apparent that something was wrong. You wouldn’t stop crying, you refused to eat, and you seemed to be writhing in pain. We later learned that I simply needed to change my diet due to your food intolerances, but at the time I was at a loss on what to do. I walked you up and down the stairs, rocked you lovingly in our chair, prayed endless prayers for you, pleaded and begged for the relief of your pain. But despite my best efforts, you were not instantly healed. The love I had for you, although unending, was not enough.

As you’ve grown bigger, while some hardship has gone away, more always comes. Like that time I left you alone on the bed for five seconds, and you managed to wiggle your way on to the ground. Oh, how I felt like such a failure of a mom. Or that time I left you in the gym daycare so I could quickly workout and have some much needed “me time,” only to come back and find you crying out for your Mama. How selfish of me to leave you there!

My amateur mom skills have always seemed insufficient, and actually, they are. Because, my baby, I love you so much, but God loves you more and that is why I’ll never be enough. He loved you first. And when I fall short (and I often will), He is there because He loves you best. I will always be here for you, and will never stop being your shoulder to cry on. I would never leave you helpless, and I will never stop trying to take away your pain and make you happy. But, I’m physically incapable of healing you and freeing you from the many problems of life.

However, my sweet little one, the healing power of our Savior’s sacrifice is real. Yet it can only come from Him. My love and devotion to you, while it’s vast and immeasurable, will never be enough. Please, my son, always reach to your Heavenly Father. Always find comfort in knowing that He is the healer, the comforter, the source of peace.

I hope you will always share your struggles with me, and I will take them away as best I can. It’s my duty to cry with you when you cry, struggle with you when you struggle, use every ounce of my being to help you have a good and happy life.  But please also always share your problems with our loving God. While this Mama will forever try, He will help you bear your burdens much better than me. He will fill the gap that I leave.

He loved you first. He loves you best. The love of God will always be more than enough for you. On the many days when I fall short, I find comfort knowing there is always someone there to make up for it. I hope one day, you will find comfort in that too.

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